Friday, June 02, 2006
Another Theory* to Help You with Your Life
Everyone has an inner 13-year-old.
Forget the inner child. The inner child is small and cute and just wants to be cuddled when it feels scared.
The inner 13-year-old is not cute. It is awkward, pockmarked, and frizzy. It does not want to be cuddled--well, it does, but not by your adult self. I'm sure it has cuddling fantasies that involve Tiger Beat or a cast member from Saved By the Bell, or The Partridge Family or whatever preteen fantasy applies to its vintage. In fact, if you tried to cuddle it, it would probably either roll its eyes or yell "I HATE YOU" and slam the door.
What the inner 13-year-old really wants is to fit in. It wants to fit in so badly that it will pretty much do anything, say anything, throw anyone under the bus to achieve this goal. Or it will stand uncomfortably by the wall, wallowing in its left-outitude.
It is convinced that it is ugly and stupid and a loser. It is also convinced that everyone else thinks so too.
It is really, really hard to ignore the inner 13-year-old when it shows up. Kind of like a real 13-year-old, it skulks and/or flounces around the house and will not be appeased, will not be cheered up.
Hence, I have not found a way to make the inner 13-year-old go away. The best I can suggest at this point is to remember what you think every time you see a real 13-year-old, trying too hard and standing awkwardly by the wall: "I am so glad I'm not there anymore."
*I am seriously indebted to Lulu for the co-creation of this Theory, over many an iced chai at Rao's. ¶ 10:13 PM
Forget the inner child. The inner child is small and cute and just wants to be cuddled when it feels scared.
The inner 13-year-old is not cute. It is awkward, pockmarked, and frizzy. It does not want to be cuddled--well, it does, but not by your adult self. I'm sure it has cuddling fantasies that involve Tiger Beat or a cast member from Saved By the Bell, or The Partridge Family or whatever preteen fantasy applies to its vintage. In fact, if you tried to cuddle it, it would probably either roll its eyes or yell "I HATE YOU" and slam the door.
What the inner 13-year-old really wants is to fit in. It wants to fit in so badly that it will pretty much do anything, say anything, throw anyone under the bus to achieve this goal. Or it will stand uncomfortably by the wall, wallowing in its left-outitude.
It is convinced that it is ugly and stupid and a loser. It is also convinced that everyone else thinks so too.
It is really, really hard to ignore the inner 13-year-old when it shows up. Kind of like a real 13-year-old, it skulks and/or flounces around the house and will not be appeased, will not be cheered up.
Hence, I have not found a way to make the inner 13-year-old go away. The best I can suggest at this point is to remember what you think every time you see a real 13-year-old, trying too hard and standing awkwardly by the wall: "I am so glad I'm not there anymore."
*I am seriously indebted to Lulu for the co-creation of this Theory, over many an iced chai at Rao's. ¶ 10:13 PM
