Open Letter to All My Unmarried Female Friends, Current and Future
Dear Unmarried Female Friends, Current and Future,
This weekend I appeared in my fifth wedding, and this letter shall serve as official notice of my retirement. Effective June 11, 2006, my bridesmaid services are no longer available.
These services include, but are not limited to:
Purchase of formal attire which has been sized specifically to require alterations, the payment for which I have also assumed responsibility, including shoes and any associated dyeing costs, as well as travel expenses and time spent at specialty stores nowhere near my residence.
Additional costs covered by me have included attire, travel, gifts and hosting for engagement parties, bridal showers, and bachelorette parties, formal hairstyles for day of wedding, and associated travel and hotel costs for weddings and rehearsal dinners.
I will no longer be available for photo shoots, limosine rides, bouquet tosses, and first dances with unknown groomsmen. I have made my last ribbon-and-bow paper plate hat and kept my last list of which present came from which aunt. I've talked my last small talk with your drunken cousin at the All-Male Revue, and pinned my last bra strap to my last low-backed gown.
My tenure as Bridesmaid has not been without its rewards. This last one was particularly exciting, maybe too much so. I am currently nursing a fat purple ankle as a result of four Jack and Gingers and my excessive enthusiasm over the band's rendition of "Blister in the Sun." Perhaps even my ankle knew that it was time to go.
Please understand that as much as I love you, I can no longer fulfill my duties with the gusto I had when first I accepted the position. I harbor very little ill will toward the traditional bridal party institution, and hope that it will remember the years of dedicated service that I have contributed, and will speak highly of me, if asked.