Dear Quiznos, Repellent.

That is the word to use for your new ad campaign. Not even a little bit "toasty," which may have had some charm as a catchphrase, even though the talking baby was absolutely terrible. This is worse.

With a naughty wink to the viewer, you present actors who play the owners of small, family-owned BBQ joints. They are a colorful bunch, full of local charm! They hold up their wares, then take turns reading from a formal "cease and desist" letter to you, asking you to please stop making your new barbeque sandwich, because it is just so darn good, it is taking away their business!

This is followed by the obligatory closeup of some dripping, meat-laden sandwich that looks nothing like anything I've ever been served at a small, family-owned barbeque joint. But that is beside the point, Quiznos!

More nauseating than that slow pan over the greasy sandwich is your presumption that it is charming to blatantly mock the people whose livelihoods you have been slowly draining of their lifeblood since you entered the market. It's not charming, Quiznos.

McDonalds and Wendy's have big penises, but they do not take them out and wave them around to attract business. That's what makes them so evil. You cannot hope to aspire to evildom with creepy talking babies and sad local business owners.

Take a page from their book and go more subtle, maybe with the kid-friendly angle. Apparently that makes everything easier to swallow.  ¶ 7:47 PM