In Her Shell
Friday, August 18, 2006
  For Everything Else, There's
They managed to get my $90. By They, I mean American Airlines and the persuasive gnomes who live in the E-ticket machine. I got there early enough for my return flight that They suggested that I could upgrade to First Class and Lunch for my Two Hour Flight home for only $90. About half what I paid for the whole round-trip ticket.

First Class and lunch. I bit.

Here is my a cost-benefit analysis:

Cushy seat: $8
Wide armrest for drinks: $12
Enough legroom for 5'9" me to stretch out in: $30
Cups of water before we even left the ground: $10
Water in a real glass with a lemon wedge: $6
Regular refills: $3
Warmed mixed nuts in a real ceramic bowl: $7
Hot towels, just like in that Adam Sandler movie: $2
Grimy bathroom shared with only 10 other people: $1.75
Surly businessman who didn't want to move his laptop so I could go to said bathroom: $0.25
Surly's joke later about Tiddly-Winks when he had had a few too many Bacardi & Cokes and accidentally flung his little straw at me: $10
Lunch: priceless

Damned if I've had a better lunch in some time. We're talking warmed pesto pasta salad with artichoke hearts and black olives, generously topped with grilled chicken, in a real glass bowl. I got a cloth napkin, a side Caesar salad, some fresh fruit, and a package of chocolate mint Andes candy cookies. Surly was too cool for lunch; he was busy watching a DVD of Kurt Russell fighting giant creatures in the desert, as best I could tell. It was sublime and I'd do it again as long as I never balance my checkbook so I never know what a stupid idea it is and I've never ridden First Class before, can you tell?

$90 for an upgrade sounds OK to me. However, I did refuse United's recent offer to upgrade me to "Economy Plus" or whatever they call the economy class upgrades. For $35 they offered to give me a seat in coach with more legroom. I refused. When I boarded the plane I discovered they created this new class of seats by taking the remaining coach seats and cramming them in the back of the plane like sardines. Bastards.
i bet they even gave you a knife and fork made of real stainless steel instead of the recycled cardboard spork that is the only implement the unwashed masses in coach can be trusted with.
I love when I manage to First Class it but I usually save that for longer trips. And are you saying Kurt Russell dvds are sublime? I'm sorry, you don't know me (or maybe you do) - I'm an ass.
Dale: I think the digitized presence of Kurt Russell only added to the surreal nature of the journey, thereby upping its sublimity.

JAG: Sadly, I think they were plastic. But a really NICE plastic.

CP: Thank you for validating my choice. It only makes me heart you more.
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